The Past Week

Has been insanely busy. Quite a few things have happened, including having a wisdom tooth pulled (which left me out of commission for a few days) and having my immigration application form sent back (AARRRRGGGHHHH).

Just this morning, I realized I got a comment from Angela Hartlin on my review of her book, which was totally awesome. I wasn’t such a fan of the book, but I am a huge fan of the woman and have so much respect for her and the work she has done bringing awareness to dermatillomania. I asked her to do an interview for the blog so keep your fingers crossed, and do go over to the review and check out her comments. 

Oh, and then I decided to cut down on my smoking. I’m trying to go from a pack a day to half a pack a day, to quarter of a pack a day to no packs a day. Even though I’m still smoking, I do still experience some withdrawal symptoms.

I do wonder if trying to quit smoking on top of everything else is just putting too much on my plate, but when I realized that my habit is costing $500-$600 a month I figured… Tough shit. That has to stop.

So really, I haven’t been too focused on the dermatillomania. I have been picking, I haven’t taken any photographs and I have been feeling quite stressed.

Which is what this post is about, really – stress.

I have no idea how to relax. No idea. At all. I can’t do it.

I am in a constant state of anxious motion. Even when I sleep, I twitch. Before going to sleep, I shake my foot and twitch my legs. If I try to lie still, I get anxious. So I’ve been trying to learn relaxation.

My dermatillomania is all about anxiety reduction. I have no intention or impulses to harm myself, I don’t like the idea of harming myself and have no interest in damaging my body. My only concern is feeling less anxious.

The condition itself arose during a time of extraordinary stress.

I had just moved to a new country, knew nobody and was not welcomed here. I lost faith in my spiritual teacher and broke away from my spiritual group. I couldn’t (still can’t) work and felt very isolated and alone. My husband and I weren’t getting along. Basically, loads of shit went down, and one day, I found myself picking at my skin and realized that I couldn’t stop.

So now, I would like to relax.

First of all, I had to notice my triggers – the things that stressed me out. The first big thing that I noticed was thoughts about all the things I have to do. Those thoughts would lead me into a massive downward spiral, feeling pressured and stressed. So now, whenever I find myself thinking of the things I need to do, I turn away from those thoughts completely and just stop them dead in their tracks. I was afraid to do this at first, thinking that if I didn’t constantly remind myself that shit needs to get done then I wouldn’t do it.

This hasn’t been the case. The opposite, actually – I’ve been more productive. Because I haven’t felt so burdened by my responsibilities to the point of collapsing under the pressure I put on myself, I’ve actually gotten way more done. I don’t need to constantly berate myself because the dishes haven’t been done, I just need to walk into the kitchen, see the full sink and then I know what to do about it.

I’ve also tried being extra, super, syrupy nice to myself. Like, really nice and kind and gentle and forgiving… It feels pretty good.

Learning to forgive I think will be one of the greatest achievements of my lifetime. I haven’t mastered it yet, and I’m still not entirely sure what forgiveness is, but I’m learning about it. I’m doing A Course In Miracles which is a year long course in forgiveness, and I’m watching anything I can find on the subject. The other day I watched Forgiving Dr. Mengele which wasn’t a great movie, really, but this woman… Wow. Mengele, one of the most evil men in history, experimented on her and she forgave him. It kind of put all those unforgiving thoughts that I have into perspective. I keep going to those quote sites to read what people have said about things like forgiveness and kindness.

So I’m looking everywhere for examples of forgiveness and trying to model my behaviour and actions accordingly.

It is my opinion that forgiveness is the greatest gift we can offer ourselves, so I’m really working hard on that, and working on forgiveness of myself.

A part of that is the alleviation of guilt, and I’ve been working with the guilt chapter of Transcending the Levels of Consciousness (one of my favourite books of all time).

“As attested to by many thousands of people, negative perceptions and guilt can be replaced by a positive understanding and a shift in comprehension and memory. This is the basis for the statement commonly used in groups [like AA] “I see things differently now”. Via this transformation, formerly hated persons can be forgiven, the formerly frightening can be seen as peaceful, and hatred is replaced by compassion for human frailty.” – Dr David R Hawkins MD PHD.

I’m also trying a little yoga. Which for me means basically lying around on the living room floor and trying to touch my toes. I’ve done proper yoga before, but don’t attribute anything spiritual to it. I do, however, find it quite relaxing to still have the motion that alleviation from my anxiety requires, but in a peaceful, non-harming way. It feels pretty good to roll around on the floor trying to touch my toes. It stretches my muscles, it’s nice and slow and controlled and makes me breathe properly.

Which brings me to meditation. It’s cited as a wonder cure for basically everything nowadays, and I can see why. It’s pretty cool. I’ve been meditating for a few years now, and, well, I suck at it. As has been established, I’m not so good at sitting still, but I have managed it a few times and have reaped the benefits. I’m a big fan of prayer, and find that to be an acceptable substitute during those times that I feel like I need to be doing something, when my anxiety is just so high that sitting still and doing nothing will only create more anxiety.

So these are the ways I’m trying to reduce my stress levels.

Oh, and, I found an old prescription for lorazepam, which I’ve been taking at night. I tend to be pretty relaxed during the day, and the night time, for some reason, is when I get anxious. I know all about lorazepam, side effects, how long I can safely take it, and the pills are still in date, they were prescribed for me a few months ago and I lost them. I can see doctors and things like that, but just at an enormous cost, this is why I can’t seek consistent therapy or anything else for my dermatillomania. However, I will take pills that I already have. Because why suffer?

Hopefully bringing down my stress level, and working on the guilt (in psychoanalysis, it is recommended that the super ego is first allowed to become more benign through recontextualization before delving into healing work, so as not to create more guilt) will be helpful in reducing my picking behaviors.

I think overall, I have picked a lot less this week, even with all the stress, but I won’t know for sure if anything is having an effect until the week before my period which is the real test for me.